We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
