dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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