sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
