This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
