I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
