Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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