I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
