Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
We left an ass print on the piano.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
