Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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