Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just want to make out with him forever
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
