Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
