hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
