the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
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