Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
