What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My hand turned me down
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
