I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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