I think I won the penis lottery.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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