Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
