saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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