why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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