I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Found the puke drawer
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
