I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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