theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
