He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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