I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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