I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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