Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
