I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
someone owes me an orgasm
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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