I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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