Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I lost the right to judge tonight
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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