Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
