for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
