What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
