im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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