its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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