My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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