the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
