i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
