i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
