I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
