Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
