DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Is it penis luge time yet?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
