dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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