We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
