well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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