she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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