i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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