I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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