Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
