Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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